It has been a wonderful privilege to examine these verses—in detail. Not only has it been A LOT of fun... it has also been a real source of refreshment for me—in my own life. See: there's something you need to understand: BIBLE DOCTRINE ALWAYS hits you right where you are! Right where you are. When you are in need... He comes to you... He pursues you... He never stops chasing you... He chases you aggressively... I would even say: we are STALKED by the unfailing love of God.
It never quits coming. Not even for a second.
Even when we are at our worst...
Especially when we are at our worst.
When we hit rock bottom...
Especially when we hit rock bottom.
God always knows what's going on in our lives... ALWAYS! And He knows exactly what to say to us—through circumstances. He knows exactly what to bring in our lives... Who to bring into our lives... And when to bring it all about.
He is perfect.
His plan is perfect.
Even when we don't understand Him.
Even when we don't understand His plan.
Even when what He 'says' to us sounds: Cruel. Ugly. Unkind. Unloving...
When it's not 'sweet' in the way that WE THINK sweetness should be...
When it's not 'loving' in the way that WE THINK loving should be...
When it's not 'compassionate' in the way WE THINK compassion should be given...
Too often we try and superimpose our flimsy humanistic version of 'love' onto God... too often we try and force God into a box—our box!--of what is and isn't so. Too often we try and equate what we believe... what we think... and how we feel with: God having the same feelings and thoughts.
And that's NOT how it works!
We don't change God with our feelings...
God's Word changes our thinking!
And when the thinking of a man/woman changes...
The man/woman changes!
Change... True Change... Meaningful change... Lasting change... it takes place in one place and one place only: THE SOUL!
Too many people think they can regulate and legislate change... regulate and legislate behavior... regulate and legislate peace... regulate and legislate to bring about their utopia... and they are wrong! Dead wrong! Man can't... Man WON'T ever bring in perfect peace...It's not going to happen! Period. Ever. ONLY CHRIST will bring about peace and perfect environment during this 1,000 year reign of His Millennial Kingdom. And you know what? People will still NOT believe in Him. They'll have perfect environment... perfect conditions... perfect Justice... perfect peace... The Lord Jesus Christ will be right there in His resurrection body.... AND PEOPLE WILL STILL REJECT HIM!
Why? Because it's not about having perfect conditions... it's not about having perfect environment... it's not about having hunger and famine wiped out... it's not about having peace... no wars... no conflicts... not even little border skirmishes... It's not about the earth having perfect weather... all blue skies... all green green grass... no global warming.. no global cooling... no ozone depletion... It's about one thing and one thing only: WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CLAIMS OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST???? Who He is. What He's done.
And He will be right there. In the flesh. Again. In resurrection body. Ruling. People will see Him with their own eyes... And they will STILL reject Him!
Seeing is NOT truly believing. Never has been. Never will be. Your eyes can play tricks on you... Your eyes can be deceived... You can miss what's right in front of you...
You can't even begin to see—not really—not until you have: faith alone in Christ Alone. Then you have the ability to start seeing... you have the resources... God The Holy Spirit equips you 40 things at the moment of salvation... 10 Problem Solving Devices--found in scripture--are immediately available to you... to learn... to utilize.. you have the ability. But before you can become the spiritual operator that you need to be... you have to go through the training...
Some people learn and live...
Some of us? Well, we have to live and learn. The hard way. But. You know what? That's okay. Like I said yesterday: Yes, Bad decisions do limit future options. BUT. They never limit the grace of God in our lives. Our options may be limited. God's are not.
And when others may see a a long and winding way...
A bumpy path...
A broken road...
God sees: A STRAIGHT LINE! Straight. He already knew... and He loved us enough to send us EXACTLY what we need—right when we need it. So, whatever is going on in your life right now... right at this moment... right at this second... God has sent it your way for a reason.
Even when what He sends our way doesn't sound so nice... so sweet... so appealing...
It's EXACTLY what we need to hear. Exactly.
The question is: are we willing to: sit down... shut up... and listen? To really concentrate and focus. To REALLY here what He is saying to us. To determine what He is really trying to convey?
Matthew 15:21 Jesus went away from there, and withdrew into the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And a Canaanite woman from that region came out and began to cry out, saying, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed.” 23 But He did not answer her a word. And His disciples came and implored Him, saying, “Send her away, because she keeps shouting at us.” 24 But He answered and said, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and began to bow down before Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” 26 And He answered and said,“It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.”
Translation: It isn't proper... it isn't acceptable.. it isn't right to take from the insiders and give to outsiders. To take from those we are familiar with... close to... and just give it to strangers. The children are part of the family... they are special... chosen... worthy... and you're asking me to give it to a good for nothing ___________ (insert your favorite racial slur here)? Are you crazy?!?!?!?
Again, does this sound: Harsh?
You better believe it was! It was very harsh! Even though I'm on record saying: “I believe there was a certain softness in His voice... a kindness... a concern... a compassion. And, I believe there was a slight smile on His face... a twinkle in His eye... Maybe even a quick wink...”
Still! These words could be viewed as being extremely harsh! Extremely ugly! Extremely rude! Extremely vulgar. I mean they were very derogatory...
Extremely hurtful.
The Lord just compared her... He just equated her with being a dog. D-O-G. He just reaffirmed the normal—and accepted—Jewish stance for outsiders: DOGS! This wasn't a compliment. It wasn't some cute puppy that He was comparing her to. It was some nasty, mangy, stray mongrel who fed off trash... A walking—and barking—garbage can...
You need to understand: this was an insult! A slur. A racial slur. A religious slur. A racial religious slur. This was not a very nice thing to say...
And THAT is the focus of this post. Sometimes 'sweet' Jesus... Sometimes 'caring' Jesus... Sometimes 'compassionate' Jesus... He 'says' some things that don't seem very nice.... things that don't seem very caring... things that don't seem very compassionate... some things that don't seem very loving... Things that seem: down right mean! Ugly! Hurtful. Hateful!
But. They only seem this way because we don't understand. We only have a superficial understanding. We don't have all the facts. We don't understand the entire situation. We don't fully understand—and appreciate—the context. And because we don't... we can only jump to conclusions about things. We can only interpret them in our subjectivity... in our emotional states... We can only see what we want... how we want it... when we want it... where we want it...
We can only see self...
And because God isn't giving us what we want—right then and there!--then He's being ugly! Mean! Unloving! Or: He isn't real! He doesn't exist! People get their feelings hurt when God doesn't answer their prayer... when He doesn't answer it right on the spot... When He doesn't give them what they want...
When HE WILL NOT violate His own essence to give it to us... “God, I want you to make my mom and dad not get a divorce!” That's not a proper prayer! That's NOT how you pray. Scripture teaches us—if we are willing to listen—about how to properly pray. But asking God to overrule the volition of other people is NOT how God works. There's a much better way to pray for what you want... a much better way to ask... BUT! Do you know what that requires? It requires some Bible Doctrine. We worship Him in Spirit and in Truth! Spirit = the filling of the Holy Spirit. Truth = Bible Doctrine. And you know what? That's exactly how we pray to Him also!
But nobody wants to actually hear what God has to say...
Very few want to hear what God is saying through HIS WORD!
No. They want to tell God. They want to dictate to God. They want to monopolize the conversation with their mixed up... screwed up... fouled up notions and ideas. Their erroneous thoughts and feelings...
When God talks... even E.F. Hutton should shut the hell up and listen.
The Lord Jesus Christ just said something pretty harsh... It was implied—directly. BUT. It wasn't to be hurtful... it was to teach a lesson. To help her. To teach her. To train her. To transform her.
BUT. It was also to teach... train and transform the disciples...
Principle: God allows things to happen in our lives... not just for us. Sometimes.... Sometimes it has to do with the people who are watching us... noticing us... examining us... evaluating us...
He loves us. But. He loves them too. Christ doesn't walk this earth any more. Not in the Dispensation of the Church Age. BUT. He does continue to speak to us. He speak to us through HIS WORD. AND... He speaks to us through circumstances. There is a lesson for us to learn in them—always. BUT. There's also a lesson for others to learn.
Even when what God is 'saying' to us--through circumstances--is a bit harsh...
Yesterday, I started sharing an event that happened in my life. One that forever changed my life. My life would never be the same. Ever. Not again. I'm not going to recap. Too much would have to be said... and I'm pressed for time. So, if you want to read it.. go read Part 14. It's about a series of events that would take place... a snowball effect... one bad decision followed by another... by another... that would eventually wind my butt up in prison. When I wasn't even supposed to go there...
It's funny. Not the events. Not what happened. Please understand: I am NOT laughing at that. Hardly. Not at all. It's not funny—at all. It's disgusting. Despicable. Without excuse. And saying, “I'm sorry!” will never be good enough. It won't ever cut it—not in man's eyes. BUT. What is so funny is: Jesus Christ controls history...
And boy oh boy did He control it! Not only did He control it, but He made it clear: “I OWN IT, boy! And I'm going to show you just who is in control. Not you! Me!”
Now, some people have been programmed to think: “You NEVER EVER EVER share your sins—and shortcomings--with people. Ever.” You just don't do that. And, well, that just isn't true—at all. There is a time and a place for everything under the sun. Everything. Including giving what some denominations refer to as a testimony. Now, often these things are nothing but a BRAGamony. BUT. I assure you: this is not. There is NOTHING for me to brag about in this. Nothing—at all. Nothing about this story puts me in a good light... a favorable light... nothing about this story makes me look appealing... favorable... NOTHING!”
Just the opposite. It makes me look poorly. But that's okay. I'm perfectly fine with that. Why? Because: It shows just how unworthy I am. How undeserving I am. How wretched I am. How dark my thoughts were.... BUT! It also shows how AMAZING HIS GRACE is. He is the issue. Not me. Never me.
“You NEVER EVER EVER share your sins—and shortcomings--with people. Ever.” That's not true. You never share your sins because you're trying to assuage your guilt. You never share your sins because you're trying to play penance. You never share your sins because your trying to make things right. You never share your sins because you want to be self-deprecating. You never share your sins because you are looking for sympathy. You never share your sins because you're looking for support (from man). You never share your sins because it will purposefully offend someone. You don't share your sins because you want “all eyes on you”. Hardly.
BUT. There may come a time--and a place--when you are WILLING—Just Like Paul—to share your sins and shortcomings because: YOU LOVE OTHERS ENOUGH to do so. Because you are able to convey a personal experience that other people can relate to. They can identity with. Or: they can apply a little a fortiori logic to: “Well shoot! If God did that in Jason's life—and he was such a screw up... well, He certainly can handle my little problem and work it out for me! No problem!”
That's why I share it!
Too many Christians hear the words... they hear the doctrines... BUT! They miss the intent! Just like the Jews of old... they do the rituals... they observe the sacrifices... they follow the calendar of holy days and feasts, but they MISS THE REALITY. They miss what it's all about: CHRIST! And so 'truth' becomes: truth for the sake of just truth. Doctrine becomes: doctrine for just the sake of doctrine. That's: formalism. Truth is about: Christ! Truth is: Christ! Always. Doctrine is about: Christ! Doctrine is: Christ! Always. You can't have one without the other... because if you do: you no longer have truth. You no longer have: doctrine. You become like the Church of Ephesus... the once great spiritual hub... but it started decaying into formalism.
So: careful now... be very careful about what you think you know... and why you believe it to be so. Sharing our failures—with the proper motivation—isn't about: self. It isn't about putting self down. It's completely about: CHRIST! It's about: elevating—and completely lifting up—Him. In our lives.
Now that we have that out of the way... Lets continue with how God 'speaks' to us—even in this day and age—and His 'words' [circumstances in our lives] aren't always 'nice' and 'sweet' and what we want to hear...
Sometimes 'sweet' Jesus has some rather harsh things to say to us. He certainly did to me!
I don't have time to go into all the details. That's not my purpose. Maybe one day I will sit down and write it all out... I don't know. But. It's not my purpose today. So, I'm going to hit the high points (of the story! I assure you: this was NOT the high point of my life!)...
My family wouldn't post my bond to get me out of jail. And rightfully so. I wasn't going to ask the girl that I was dating or her family to do it. That was for sure. Her dad was a retired Marine. We had a good relationship, but not that good... So, I convinced a bail bondsman to write my bond up for me... They actually verified the events that had taken place with the Sheriff's office. My story checked out. I had been completely helpful... I had fully cooperated with them. And I got out.
And I just KNEW that I was going to get off! To beat this charge. And that was assuming that the grand jury would even return an indictment. My attorney was going to try and get them to let me go—completely. It was evident that something had got them to leave the house... the owners were convinced that they had not been seen—in the house. In fact, they were very puzzled why we just left all the sudden... they didn't understand it—at all. We just left! Well, we left because I lied about someone being home (which come to find out: I wasn't lying! There was someone in the house) and I got them to abort! That's why. And I helped the sheriff's department locate the guns that got tossed...
I knew my rights! I knew that I had the right to call an attorney. I understood it! Completely. This wasn't my first rodeo. I had been getting in—and completely out of!--trouble all my life. I was't dumb. I wasn't new to this. I wasn't a rookie. I knew how things worked. Rule #1: Don't rat on anyone. Rule #2: Call your attorney. Rule #3: Make bail and don't say a word...
I knew all this.
But. I didn't care. I was not going to leave those guns in some kids yard! Period. Wasn't going to happen. Was part of that self-serving? Me wanting to avoid additional problems? Yep. I'm sure it was. No doubt. BUT. It was also: KNOWING what the right thing was. I knew what the right thing was. And doing it was more important than my 'rights' to an attorney.
Anyway...
I'm sitting here thinking: “I probably won't even be charged. Not when it goes to the Grand Jury. They'll probably want me to testify on behalf of the state. I mean: I've had a few minor misdemeanors... but I don't have any felonies. Not like those other guys. I'm squeaky clean. At least: I haven't gotten caught for anything... the charges never stuck. I'm a saint! I'm clean cut. I dress decently. I'm a good guy. I've gone straight...”
And my attorney was convinced of this too. I would make a much better witness than a defendant. I had a job. I had a girl that I was dating and about to get engaged to. I had a Marine Corp recruiter that I had been meeting with. Getting in shape. I had just aced the Asvab. I mean: aced it! They weren't the hard-sell recruiters either! These were honest and caring guys. They understood my situation. That I was dating a girl (about to become engaged) to her. Her dad had been in the corp. They wanted me to get in the best shape possible... enroll in college... get my degree (probably: history and/or political science)... enroll... do my basic training... go to OCS... and go into intelligence.
It was the path that I needed to take. And for the first time in my life... I had something—someone!--that was my motivation. Motivating me to do the 'right' things... to become the 'better' person...
(wrong emphasis for a Christian!)
But God said, “No! Other people will not be your motivation in life, Jason. Love for me will be. Other people want be your desire to do right. Love for Me will be.”
The girl that I was dating and some friends of ours... we all moved away to a college town. I wanted to get far, far, FAR away from this place. The people. I didn't want to run into those two guys that I had been in the car with. I wanted to get away... get on with life. So, that's what we did. We all moved off to a college town and got a place. We all got jobs. We all planned to attend the college. And the whole time I was thinking: “this is going to blow over... it really is! Jason Horton, you need to thank your lucky stars! You're going to make it out of this. You really are.”
Well, I get a call from my attorney. And he asks me: “Ummmmm Jason. Is your grandfather sheriff of a certain county. Sheriff as in THE sheriff of the county? The actual sheriff of the county—the elected one. Not some deputy that works there.”
“My step-father's dad is the actual sheriff. Yeah. I guess that would make him my step-grandfather. I guess. We aren't exactly what you would call 'close'--at all.”
“Well, it seems that this information has came out. And well... we've got an election season coming up... and well... the grandson of a Georgia Sheriff... that sure does send a message that certain people are very tough on crime! Jason, they're going to make an example out of you.”
“Why? He's not even my real grandfather. We aren't even close! Hell! He'd probably lock me up—himself!--and throw away the key! He can't stand me! We aren't close. We aren't really family. I'm a horrible example.”
“Well, 'certain' people think you'll make a wonderful example. That prosecuting you will really send a message to the voters. WE ARE TOUGH ON CRIME! NOBODY escapes our Justice System. Not even the grandson of a Sheriff in the same Judicial District.”
“I'm not his grandson!”
“You are to them. And by the time they're done... you'll be the apple of His eye Grandson. A loving grandson that breaks the heart of the Sheriff, but justice must be done...to everyone.”
“But I got us to leave the house! We left! We never went in the house! Not even for a second. I got them to leave! We left! I helped them! I helped them locate and recover the guns! I gave them everything! I did the right thing. THE RIGHT THING!”
“Jason, I'm going to try and get you a deal. A good plea bargain. Can you get your boss to testify for you? Can you get the recruiters to testify for you?”
“Sure. Sure. That's not a problem. But I can't plead guilty to a felony. I won't ever get the security clearance that I need. I can't plead guilty to a felony. If they won't reduce this to a misdemeanor... I can't do it. I won't do it. I didn't do anything wrong! Not really. I prevented this whole situation from getting completely out of hand.”
Well, no 'deal' was offered. At least not one without a felony being involved. And that just wasn't acceptable to me—not in the least. I told my attorney that if that's how they wanted to play things... I would take my chances with a jury.
And that's exactly what I did.
And believe it or not... the wheels of justice don't always turn slowly. In fact, she can be very quick—and extremely light on her feet—despite what a big fat bloated whale she often is. She can move quickly... very quickly...
What should have taken YEARS to come to trial (because of the backlog of cases)... happened in a matter of weeks...
I went to trial... I watched as Investigators told the truth, BUT... didn't tell all—not quite ALL--of it. I guess they're trained to answer questions in a certain light. They didn't lie. Not really. But. They certainly conveniently omitted.
I told the truth. I explained everything... EVERYTHING... how it all happened.... how it all went down...
I was honest...
I was sincere...
I was pleading for my life...
I was pleading for the life that I wanted...
And the jury found me guilty. On all counts! Burglary. Even though I never set foot in the house. Not even for a second! And possession of a firearm. Even though I never so much as touched either one of those guns. Didn't matter....
They wanted blood.
They wanted to send a message...
And that message was: “You come to our county and try something... you will pay! Dearly!”
And the Judge sentenced me to the maximum sentence allowed by law. And then He ran the firearm charge consecutive to the burglary. Meaning: it would have to be served AFTER the charge for the burglary.
I had seen 3 time felons... get less sentences than what I just got. And the judge chewed me out. Told me what a miserable person that I was. How there wasn't any excuse. None. And that whatever we do...we pay for. We must all learn our lesson...
And years later... when he was removed from the bench (for impropriety and stuff...) I remembered His words. And I thanked him. Because he was 100% right. I did have a lesson to learn. And God sure was about to teach it. The bell had just rang... School was in session... And the master was about to school the student...
The Lord was about to beat my butt! Hard.
Skipping a lot of stuff... The high points. And believe it or not: that's exactly what it was. The high Points of my life. When God is working things out in your life... it's always the high point. The highest points. Maybe not in the eyes of man. BUT. It is in the spiritual life. No better time... No better time... None.
Well, I was a first offender. Not some hardened criminal. So, I was going to get to do what is called “Boot Camp”. Do about 6 weeks of pushups and situps and jogging and cutting grass... all while some instructor yells in your face... and then go home!
Easy!
I could do that standing on my head.
Instead: I got bounced right on my bottom.
We were going through 'processing'... and I had to wear the clothes that I had worn to court. They made me wear my civilian clothes. Not the orange county jump suit. And well, I had on dress pants, a dress shirt, a tie, and some shiny Italian dress shoes. I approached the table where I had to empty out all my pockets and hand over my wallet and stuff...
The instructor took one look at me... he took one look inside my wallet at the 3 or 4 credit cards that I had... the Macy's Credit Card... the cash that I had in my wallet... the picture of my ex-fiance... the fancy clothes that I had on...
And I will never forget what he said. Never. And I apologize if this offends you, but I'm going to give you an exact quote.
“And what in the hell do we have here? Ohhhhh! We've got some handsome John F. Kennedy looking MF'er here! Some pretty boy. Some ladies man. Some Rico Suave! Boy, you think you're going to do a few weeks in my boot camp and go back home to all them fine ladies? You think I'm gonna let you have the easy way out? Ahhhhh Hell no! HELL NO! Ain't happening! Get your ass out of my bootcamp. You ain't coming here. You gonna go to the work camp! You gonna go pick up trash on the side of the road... scrape up roadkill... that's what you gonna do.”
Maybe it's not an exact quote. I'm sure there was a little bit more profanity... just a little bit... but it's pretty dang close!
I got bounced from the first offender Boot Camp. And they sent me to the work camp...
Okay... instead of it being a few weeks... I would have to serve a few months! Not bad. Not good. Not great. But I would do some hard work... 12 hour days... 14 hour days... and be gone in a few months... I could do it.
WRONG!
The 'camp' that I got sent to had been inaccurate in its estimates... they didn't quite have as many beds available as they thought they did. Perhaps it was a clerical mistake... Perhaps it was a “some big wigs from the state are coming down and you better be within regulations” type situation...
Regardless, it was a “there isn't any space for you—Jason Horton—and a couple others who've arrived with you” type situation. They didn't have enough space. They didn't have enough beds. They were over capacity... they didn't have anywhere to put me...
There wasn't any room in the non-violent offender work camp program...
So, do you know what that means? Yeah. They called the nearest prison—a real prison prison—and transferred me—and some other guys over to it. A real prison. The kind with walls... and fences... and razor wire... and guard towers... and men with rifles...
And that's the perks!
Inside you have murderers... rapers... strong armed robbers... arsonists... assault and battery... you name it! All sorts of violent and extremely dangerous people in there. I mean extremely dangerous people. And: numerous extremely sick—in the head!--people.
I don't have enough time to regale with you stories from behind bars, but I will tell you this:
I know what it's like to get into a bloody fist fight with a convicted murderer.
I know what it's like to come face-to-face—as a Christian--with some of the more radical elements of Islam.
I know what it's like to refuse to take 'sides' when it comes to the color of a person's skin. To not be involved in some of the white supremacists stuff...
And, I know what it's like to make 'certain promises' to 'certain individuals' if they so much as think about trying to lay a hand on me. My father—my real biological father and not my step-father—and some of his druggie friends abused me as a child... in some awful ways. Including: making me smoke pot and do other drugs... drink alcohol... and they did other things too. I was molested and exploited as a child. When I was a helpless kid... I wasn't helpless now. And if they wanted to take me... they'd better be ready to kill me—while they were at it.
But. It never came to that. Not even close.
I wish that I had time to tell you all the WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC WAYS that God provided for me. That God provided for my safety. That God took care of me. The people that he sent my way. The other prisoners... the guards... the counselors... the assistant wardens... and even the warden. The favor that got extended my way... the doors—inside a prison!--that were opened up for me. Tears are coming to my eyes as type this... It just blows me away how incredible He is! How awesome He is! How He took care of every step of the way...
I have chills just thinking about it.
How a teacher—from Pike County! My home! Where I grew up and ran quickly away from—took a job there at the prison. How I got selected for the most highly coveted position there: being a teachers aide. How I got to help grown men learn to read and write...
To help grown men learn how to say words correctly. To start forming sentences! To start writing sentences... Paragraphs... Letters! To help them be able to learn to read books! Magazines! And, yes, even—and most especially!--The Bible!
Do you know what it's like to have HUGE Big and scary Black Men...
HUGE Big and scary looking White Men...
HUGE Big and scary looking Spanish Men...
To have these people look at you—and sometimes even hug you as tears come down their eyes—and tell you: “Thank you, Mr. Jason. Thank you for teaching me. Nobody has ever taught me before. Nobody has ever been able to make things so clear. So easy to understand. To break it down for me—like never done before. I've never been able to relate to anyone—like you—before. You are the best teacher. Mr. Jason, I was able to write a letter to my momma—for the first time ever. My momma! I was able to tell her that I love her. That I was sorry. That I'm reading the Bible and going to church. Yes, I may be in prison, but I am free! I'm a changed man.”
These huge guys...
Scary looking guys...
Could crush me without trying...
And there they were... thankful. Grateful. Telling me how much they appreciate me helping them. Me showing them how. Me teaching them...
I wanted to cry... many times I just wanted to cry for them...
But. I didn't. You don't make it a point to cry in prison. And if you do... you dang sure you make sure you don't get caught doing it.... Crying means your weak. Not strong. And “being weak” is the last thing that you want to be viewed as in prison. No, you didn't want to be seen as “weak” in prison. But you know what? Being weak would be exactly would I would have to become for the doors would open for me...
I would have to become weak....
Completely and totally weak.
Helpless.
Hopeless.
Incapable of solving my own problems.
I was a teachers aide. I loved my job. One of the best jobs possible to have. Period. I got all kinds of special privileges and perks. I got to use the computer... I got to do a lot of things. And I got special hours to go places... It was great.
I mean: great for prison. But. It was still not where I wanted to be. And everybody told me—all the prisoners, all the guards, all the counselors, even some the assistant wardens—that I would be out in no time. No time. “You don't belong here. They're going to let you go. Guaranteed.”
Well, my first parole hearing came up... and everyone KNEW that they were going to let me go. That I would be walking out of there in a matter of days. The inmates threw a party for me... the guards patted me on the back and told me to straighten up and never come back....
And the day arrived.. the counselor called me up to his office. And I was denied. Despite my conduct. Despite my behavior. Despite doing all the right things... Saying all the right things... going to all the right places... making all the right people happy... I was denied. I was found—by the state—to be: Unworthy of release.
Everyone was surprised. Everyone. The other prisoners. The guards. The counselors. The staff. They just knew that I was getting out of there... that I was going to be one of the few... one of the proud... not a Marine--that would never happen, but: one of the felons who made it on the outside. Who learned their lesson. Who never came back.
I went through a dark period of depression...
A period of anger...
A period resentment...
A period where I not only questioned God, but I hated Him! Despised Him! Couldn't stand Him! I had stopped all the crap that I was doing.... I had started straightening up... I had started living a good life... A respectable life... I had had a beautiful fiance... A good job... An opportunity to go to school and then into the service and do something! I was on the 'right' path... I was becoming a good person...
I had done the right thing that day! I had prevented events from snowballing out of control. I had got them to leave. I had helped the Sheriff's office. I had told the truth. And what did it get me??? Nothing!
It had got me put in prison! That's where it had gotten me! Prison! I could lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and get away with it! But the minute that I try and come clean.. the minute that I try and do the right thing... the minute that I try and make a good life for myself... GOD YANKED IT ALL AWAY!!!!
I was so angry! So angry. So angry at the world. So angry at myself. So angry at my ex-fiance. So angry at God!
My cell mate was gone to medical for a few days because he was having heart problems... I came back to my cell... voluntarily closed my door.... covered my face under that itchy wool blanket... and I just cried and cried and cried...
I was broken.
I was a broken man. No, I shouldn't call myself that. I wasn't a man. Not yet. Far from it. I was a broken monster...
“Why God? Why? Why are you letting this happen to me? Why? Why are you making me endure this?”
I want you to remember something: God is faithful! Even when we aren't! God keeps His Word! Even when we don't! And when we have positive volition... when we want to know... HE DOES REVEAL HIMSELF! He never stays silent to those who want to know Him... NEVER!
A few days passed...
Probably more like a few weeks...
And I don't know how it happened. I don't know how it came to be in my possession... I don't know how the book arrived...
But I will say this: We were in Columbus, Georgia. That is where Ft. Benning is. That's where the Army Ranger's School is. There are A LOT of soldiers in the area. A lot of active soldiers. And a lot of retired ones. And many of them get jobs as prison guards...
Again, I don't know how it happened... I don't know who did it... I don't know if it was another prisoner... if it was a guard... I think it was probably a guard... probably one who was ex military... because a book from The Colonel was on my bunk. It was worn out. Used and abused. Notes. Highlighted. Dogeared. Falling apart. It was in shambles... just like me.
The Colonel was the pastor that I had listened to when I was younger. My friend and I used to sneak the tapes from their parent's closet and go hide out—like boys looking at Playboy Magazines—and listen to him teach! NOBODY could teach the way He did. With the authority that He had. GOD MADE SENSE! Not all the stupid emotional non-sense we saw at various churches... GOD MADE SENSE! Perfect Sense! Organized Sense!
My parents hated The Colonel...
Many church going people hated him too..
I loved him!
But I had stopped listening to him. I had turned my back on God—completely when someone told me, “Jason, God would never use someone like you to teach.” A pastor that I knew and respected told me that once. I knew at an early age that teaching and sharing God's Word is what I wanted to do... Wanted to do it more than anything in this world... But when this man told me that... When he looked me in the face and told me that.... it shattered me. Completely. Crushed me--completely.
I had been told that I was nothing my entire life. That I was “rust” and I destroyed everything... That I was just like my father... good for nothing.... useless.. worthless.. disgusting... would never amount to anything—at all. NOTHING!
I had been told all my life... you are nothing! You will be nothing! You will only end up in prison—if you're lucky! You'll probably end up dead on the side of the road. In some ditch... dead. Like the vermin you are...
Well, I guess I was such a F-up... I couldn't even get that right. I had tried to take my own life once—shortly after I was told that God could never use me... and that didn't even work! I couldn't even kill myself properly! Just prison...
And in my prison..
In my cell...
Not sure who placed it there... was a book. A book by the very Colonel that I had once listened to as a boy. As a child. As a pre-teen. Before I could really drive... A book on The Faith Rest Life.
When you can't solve your own problems...
When you can't fix them...
When there isn't ANY human solution...
God has given us the Faith-Rest Drill.
When we are weak [in our flesh]... that is when we are strongest [In His Word! In His Faithfulness. His Veracity! His immutability].
I read the book.
I read it again...
And again... and again...
I probably read it 100 times over the next few days....
And FINALLY....
My cellmate was gone AGAIN to medical... my cell was empty. Just me.
And I got down on my knees.
I applied 1 JOHN 1:9 (Problem Solving Device #1)...
This provided the Filling of the Holy Spirit (Problem Solving Device #2)...
And I talked to God.
I told Him everything! Everything! I didn't hold back. Nothing. My every thought. My every feeling. Everything. And I knew that I was unworthy... The Doctrine came flooding back to me.... it came quickly! I mean it came crashing down upon me like a mighty tidal wave!
And I claimed a promise... (The Faith-rest Drill. Problem Solving Device #3)
I wasn't too well versed in doctrinal rationales, but I did the best I could.
My promise was my Mae West! My life preserver... and I held on tightly.
I put it in the Lord's hands! I let go—completely! There was NOTHING that I could do to solve my problems. Nothing! (Grace Orientation. Problem Solving Device #4)...
But I put it in the Lord's Hands! And I went about my life—my life in prison—as best as I could. Not perfectly. Not even close. But: Always going back to 1 John 1:9. Always going back to claiming a promise... And I kept reading the one little doctrinal book that I had...
And you know what?
In a matter of days... DAYS!... a letter came down from the Parole Board. The system was overcrowded... too many people were in the system... they needed to get rid of some of the population—the prison population. First time offenders and non-violent crimes were the people being turned lose.
I was being set free.
In less than 30 days... from the time that book arrived in my hands... to me utilizing the problem solving devices found in scripture... GOD was setting me free.
I had learned my lesson.
Rather: I had learned THE lesson that He needed to teach me. There were still many lessons left to learn, but the ones that He needed to teach me—right then and there!--were now understood.
I got it. It 'clicked'. The light came on—finally! At least it started to flicker—a little...
The Lord spoke to me in Harsh terms. Very harsh terms. And it was done in love. And it was exactly how I needed to be spoken to.
Verse 24: But He answered and said, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and began to bow down before Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” 26 And He answered and said,“It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.”
This woman... This Gentile Woman... This Dog... the Lord spoke to her in what could be considered very harsh terms... very ugly terms... very hurtful terms...
The question is: why would He do this? Why would He speak to her in such a way. She was hurting! She was in pain! She was suffering! Why be ugly to her?
He wasn't being ugly to her! Not even for a second: He was teaching her. He was teaching the disciples... He was making her wait because there was a more important lesson to be learned....Grace Orientation developing the souls of the disciples was the priority! The Highest priority! THE HIGHEST PRIORITY! Even over her suffering... even over the suffering of her sweet and young and tender child...
The Lord spoke to her this way for a reason. And that was to teach. To train. To test. To transform our very thinking... our very souls...
He wasn't being hurtful.
He was being helpful. And we'll see that next time.
BUT. What we MUST understand is: The Lord is not present—not in His physical body—on this earth. Not in His resurrection body. Not now. Not in the Church age. But. He still 'speaks' to us through His Word. AND... our circumstances!
And sometimes what He's 'saying' in our circumstances isn't pleasant. It isn't very pretty. It isn't very nice. It doesn't seem very loving of Him to 'speak' to us in such a way.
Well, we must remember: It. Is. For. Our. Betterment. No matter what He is 'saying' to us... it is for our benefit. The best thing we can do is: seek Him out AND learn the lesson.
God had a few choice words to 'say' to me... And He made His point: clear! Crystal clear. He didn't leave any room for misinterpretation. None.
Here are just A FEW points of what He made clear to me:
01.) You may think you'll get away with something. But you won't. You may fool people, but you don't ever fool God.
02.) Our goodness... our coming clean... our deciding to walk the straight path... the narrow path... through our own ability... it's not good enough to keep us out of trouble—with man. And it certainly isn't good enough to keep us out of hell with God. It's about His grace. Always. It's about Him. Always. Not us.
03.) There's nothing wrong with loving others. Caring for others. Wanting to please them. We should. But. They can never be the complete and total motivation for change in our lives. We must decide to change—through our own volition—because we want to please Him. Not because we're trying to hang on to people, places, things, or circumstances.
It's Love for God that must be our motivation. Everything else falls—perfectly--in place when we have that.
And you may loose people... BUT. God will replace them. You may lose things... BUT. God will replace them. AND WHAT HE REPLACES THEM WITH???? It's a million times better! So much better...
I thank God--everyday--for unanswered prayers. I thought that I knew that I wanted. But. He gave me SO MUCH MORE!
04.) No matter how well we plan... NO matter how much we scheme... no matter how many contingencies we put in place... Jesus Christ Controls History. We won't stop what He has put in place. Whether it works for us... Whether it feels like it is working against us...
It ALWAYS is for our betterment. Our benefit.
05.) God is going to get us where we need to be. Exactly where we need to be. We can't stop it. But guess what else? Other people won't stop it either. As a believer.. that should make you smile! A lot! A big goofy smile! And it should help you relax.
06.) God is going to make it perfectly clear what you should be doing... And when the time is right... He will open the doors to put you there. In the perfect spot. In the perfect place.
07.) And I can't stress this one ENOUGH: Doctrine ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS Works. We may not... Doctrine does.
8.) God NEVER stops coming. Never! Not while you have a breath in your body. Not while you are on this earth. He keeps coming after you—with a fierceness! He keeps trying to get your attention. He keeps trying to make Himself known... He tries to reveal Himself. But that requires us being willing to: sit down and be still. To be quiet. And to come to know: HE IS GOD!
09.) Bible Doctrine will get to you... IF you want it. IF you want it.
That's entirely up to you. Entirely on you. BUT. If you ask for it... prepare for it! It is coming! Years later... Jess—who was raised in an extremely legalistic environment—would be listing a home. And the sellers—who listened to The Colonel as 'tapers'--would give her the very same book that ended up on my bed. Not the actual same book. Not the one that I had in prison. But. The same book. The same title. She would hide it away, but find it exactly when she—and I—needed it most.
10.) What you do with the Doctrine... that's on you! But God will send it. And it works! It works every time. And that is why I have shared this story with you.
With Bible doctrine firmly planted in the soil of my soul.... I look out and see the trends of history unfolding... right before my very eyes... I see what is coming... perfectly...
It is my hope...
It is my prayer...
That my story will help some “learn and live.” And not have to: live and learn.
It only takes a few believers who are positive to Bible Doctrine and the GRACE OF GOD to turn a city, county, state, nation, the world, history around...
Just a few.
There were 14 people present that day....
The Lord.
12 Disciples.
1 Gentile woman.
The majority 'walked' and 'talked' with the Lord—daily. They were 'close' to Him. They were 'tight'.... wherever the Lord went... they were there! Like white on rice!
But. They were confused! They were mixed up. They were stuck in their religion... their legalism... their formalism... their human viewpoint...
The majority thought that they were so close to The Lord. SO CLOSE! And they were close--in proximity. BUT. They were a 1,000,000 miles apart from Him where it mattered most: IN THEIR THINKING!
They weren't anywhere near the Lord in their thinking. Not even close.
But.
The one woman... The Gentile Woman... The Dog... she was the voice crying out...
She was the outsider... not part of the group...
She was the right next to the Lord in her soul!
Hopefully you aren't too blind and arrogant to see the parallel to modern day religion.... so many are 'close' to The Lord. But. They don't have Him where it counts: in their thinking. THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT: GRACE!
The 12? They were the voices condemning her. Wanting her sent away.
The 12 Disciples had the wrong focus... they only saw themselves.
The 1 Gentile woman had the right focus. She saw: The Lord.
The majority always misses it...
It's my prayer that you come to see Him also. To really see Him. To really come to understand Him. To really come to know Him. To become part of that minority that is growing in grace and knowledge of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ--daily!
Because I assure you: the majority of Christianity doesn't know much about Him.
Very little...
Next to nothing.
No Bible Doctrine.
And that's a tragedy.
I went to prison to find: freedom.
Many people have freedom, but are completely imprisoned to their own self-righteousness and legalistic ideas and concepts. Their human viewpoint... Prisoners every single day of their lives.
And they sing the sweetest lies—to themselves and everyone who will listen—as they march like a coffle of slaves--happily--to their doom.
Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
That's freedom.
The only true freedom.
The only lasting freedom.
